As I approached the TSA checkpoint my luck was looking up. The precheck line was empty! I love the TSA. As a pilot I can tell you it is an absolute facade. 20 people standing around, one “highly trained” professional watching a screen and 19 others doing god knows what. I saw an FAA study where they were able to sneak something onto an aircraft with like a 90% success rate. As I always say, if you want something done right let the government do it!
But today I was happy for their “efficiency”, not to mention that I was probably 100% over my allotted capacity of liquids. But hey who cares about that? Certainly not them. I breezed right through.
The airport was packed. Holiday travelers were everywhere. There are few things more enjoyable in life than people watching and an airport is one of the best spots for it. If you pay close attention you can see the spectrum of human existence. The kid traveling home from college, the businessman trying to get to his next meeting. The family going to visit grandma. The lovers going on holiday. The church group going on a mission. The mourners and the celebrators. They are all there together. Occupying both ends of the spectrum in the same place simultaneously. Lastly if you look hard you will see the escapee, the lost soul trying to find themselves somehow somewhere (saw that guy in the bathroom mirror).
As I had so efficiently moved through TSA I now found myself with extra time. I decided to find a great seat facing the mad rush. Perfect observation deck for the human parade. Now if they would throw some beads at me it would be a proper parade! But alas they all shuffle by talking, rushing, texting or internet surfing. Not a single bead to be had! As all these people move about frantically to and fro something hits me. Where the hell did all these dogs come from?
When I began traveling, uhm a FEW years ago, you might fly 20 flights before you would ever see a dog and it was a legit seeing eye dog. You know a ahighly trained canine that could guide a person through an entire city. (On a side note I had a friend in college that had gone blind and had one of these dogs. One of the most amazing animals I had ever seen. So smart. Would walk him to all his classes and just lie there quietly until time for his next class. I bet it could have done better on some of the tests than my classmates. Anyways he didn’t lose his eyesight until he was already an adult and he had an old drivers license. He showed it to a girl in class, wanting to prove to her that he had one once and that he knew how to drive. She looked at it. Looked at the dog. Looked at him. Looked at me. And then asked in all seriousness, “I don’t get it. How does the dog know which car is yours and find it in the parking lot?” I love that story. I still laugh about it all these years later). But back to the point at hand. Where did all these “service animals” come from. I mean I don’t think buffy’s 4 lb chihuahua is doing much of anything other than barking and looking ridiculous on his leash w his pink rhinestone collar. They even have a dog park in the terminal. It was packed. All sorts of useless animals barking at each other. I just kept wondering when did it become ok for me to pay good money for a plane ticket to listen to your dog whine and bark for 3 hours? I guess people just don’t care anymore. Selfishness has taken over everything.
On that note I think I will throw out a refresher on Airport/airplane etiquette because clearly many need a refresher. Let’s start with the airport.
First. don’t take your damn dog to your friends for a weekend trip. Your friend doesn’t want it there. The 200 people on your plane don’t want it there. The dog doesn’t want that stress. It’s called a kennel, look it up.
Second. walk to the right. What are we all British? If you are walking directly at someone carrying their 4 carry on bags. Go to the right!
Third. when you approach TSA in a long line, be ready. Take off your shoes and belt. Ladies take off the 20 metal accessories you are wearing. Take eveything out of your pockets! Get your computer out and pay attention. When the agent says move. Move! Remember though you may have plenty of time the guy behind you may be rushing to make his flight in hopes of getting home to see his dying parent before it’s too late and missing his flight because you are too lazy to be prepared is unacceptable.
Fourth, when occupying airport seats. Your bags do not need a seat of their own. Nothing like watching someone sit there listening to their music, legs hanging over one seat, bags on another and a little old lady has no where to sit in the waiting area. She can’t walk to the next gate. Decency people.
Lastly, When they call group one. It does not mean everyone move the the gate and clog up the entry. This one will always perplex me. We will begin boarding does not mean let’s all make a mad rush to the rope barrier. It means be orderly people.
Now on to the confined space we all have to share. The airplane.
First, Do not and I cannot say this enough. Do not bring stinky food in the damn plane!! I’m sure your grandmothers home made kim chee is amazing but smelling it for the rest of us is literally hell. If you are going to eat it. Don’t smack your lips. Don’t slurp it up and for the love of god don’t lick or suck on your fingers!! It is worse than fingernails on a chalk board!
Second. Don’t carry on five fucking bags. I know the gate agents can be lax sometimes, but that does not give you license to carry your entire apartment with you. One bag. One purse/backpack/briefcase. That’s it! You don’t need the kitchen sink. There is a sink on the plane.
Third. When you are boarding pick up your bag and carry it down the aisle. If you have two many please refer to 2! Nothing more enjoyable than walking behind your ass trying to figure out the physics of a bag 6” too wide to drag down the aisle on its wheels. I know it doesn’t roll sideways. That’s why you pick it up!!
Fourth. When you reach your aisle. Step in. Lift your bag into the overhead and sit down. Don’t stand and chat w your kids. Don’t ask your wife to grab your coat. Sit down. You can get it when we take off. Preferably on time Because you sat down.
Fifth. What the hell ever happened to chivalry? When you see a woman trying to lift her bag up and struggling. Standing there w a stupid look on your face does nothing. Pick up her bag. I see this one more and more these days. Did no one teach most millenial men that you can still be chivalrous? Or even how to be? No wonder studies show millenial women date older men because men their age have no idea how to be a man. Wait, on second thought just stand there and look dumb. I will lift her bag.
Sixth. Seat etiquette. Window seat you lean towards the window. Aisle seat you lean towards the aisle. Poor soul in center seat sits straight and gets both armrests! As for reclining if it’s a short flight. Don’t. Long flights. It’s acceptable. When you get out of your seat. Do not grab the seat back in front of you. Who loves getting yanked backwards at breakneck speed? No one! Lift yourself up using the arm rest. Seat back tables, open it softly and deploy it by hand. Flicking the latch and letting it drop like the mic after a rap battle is not cool.
Seven. Shoes. They are to remain on your feet at all times. And don’t wear sandals or flip flops. We don’t want to see your foot fungus, crazy ass toenails or smell whatever the hell died in your shoes. If you have a long flight and want to take off your shoes bring a pair of sleeping socks!
Eight. Snorers. If you are a snorer and know it, don’t take an ambien on a long flight. Few things are more annoying than listening to 10 hrs of a chainsaw.
Nine. Speaking of annoying. Talkers. Ever heard of an inside voice? If you want to gossip for the next 5 hrs that is fine. Just do it a a decibel level that doesn’t carry 20 rows.
Ten. Kids. I understand they are kids. Do your best. I hear bennadryl works wonders. Bring ear plugs and hand them out around you if the kid starts screaming.
Eleven. Kindness, Respect and empathy. Remember we are all on this little tiny cylinder together. Think of your seat mate and the others on your plane. They aren’t you. They may not like all the same things. Come to think of it. That pretty much translates to the world outside the plane as well. Can someone please pass that message on to my ex wife??
Now that we have established our simple etiquette and common decency rules. Let’s get moving. Plane is boarding and i already see the mass forming at the gate! Good thing most of them only have 3 carry ons!
Onto the next step. Flying time!
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