Traveling by oneself is often one of the most enjoyable and rewarding experiences. You learn a lot about yourself. You learn that it doesn’t take much to entertain yourself. You learn that you can be very self reliant and you learn that you can have fun by yourself.
On the fun note, it’s always enjoyable to have a beer. Finding a beer in a vastly Muslim country can be an adventure much like finding anything made of pork. Can a man find a piece of bacon to save his life? Not in Malaysia my friend. But Beer, that I can find.
Google is the modern travelers best friend. In the past we had to talk to actual humans and ask advice and get directions. Perish the thought! Now I can consult trip advisor or yelp in literally every country on earth. No human contact necessary! No more of those awkward Half English, half body language conversations where I mime drinking a beer and getting drunk trying to convince the hotel doorman that I need to find a bar. Nope. Not any more. No more misunderstandings.
Now every bar in a hundred miles pulls up instantly. Along with the disconcerting message that drinking alcohol is actually illegal in Malaysia. Wait. What?? I can be cained for drinking a beer? Hold on let me read the fine print. I can be beaten and imprisoned for drinking alcohol if I’m a Muslim. Wait how do they know? Do they have like an ID card I don’t know about? Or like a secret handshake?
What if I’m mistaken for a Muslim? I mean I haven’t really shaven in over a week. I am naturally a dark person. Perhaps I will just need to carry the Bible out of the hotel room with me, just to be safe. Oh yeah. This is Malaysia. We have Qurans in the bed side table! Shit!
Perhaps I should just google a few bible verses and write them down just in case I get questioned? But seeing as I already get a daily verse in my iPhone every A.M. I figure I’m armed with enough evidence to support my ordering a beer legally. But I went back and memorized a few just to make sure I was armed and ready! “Though shall not bust my ass for drinking of the ale!” James 1:1!!
Why is it that no matter what country you are in, if you are walking to a cool bar you MUST venture through some old, run down streets and areas you would normally avoid? Well Kuala Lumpur was no exception. As I ventured to the expat bar area I strolled right past a mosque letting out. Hundreds of young men standing in the street. They were nice enough but I’m sure had they known of my evil intentions to imbibe they may not have approved of my passage by. Alas they were more concerned with discussing the evils of bacon than of my walking past and I was able to continue on in my quest.
As I approached the bar area of Kuala Lumpur i realized something that is very common in south east Asia. An expat man walking alone is like a $100usd bill lying on the pavement. Because everyone jumps on it. “Come in”. “Mr mr! You come have Beer here!” “We have best beer” “pretty girls at bar”. “2 for 1 Beer here”. Pretty much anything you can imagine they are offering. Well after getting attacked all the way down the avenue you eventually succumb and sit down and order a beer. That’s when the real show begins.
Can’t a man just drink a beer without a hooker? Apparently not in south east Asia! Now I have some friends that would enjoy that type of attention. Not mentioning names here satchel. But I don’t need a lady of the evening. No offense it isn’t the oldest profession for nothing, but it’s not my thing. But seriously. Every single place I went to, within a few minutes it was hooker town rolling past.
They all want to come say hello. “Buy me a drink?” Uhm no. I’d prefer to not catch any diseases or lose my moral code. “I make you happy. Where you stay??” Uhm I stay in my seat and you stay away! They are relentless! I mean seriously. How am I going to take you back to my hotel? I could barely get past the mosque alone. W a hooker? My hypocracy does know it’s limits!
Well after fending off the attack waves I was eventually left alone to enjoy my beverage above. I enjoyed my illegal/not illegal Beer fully and I look forward to Thailand next. Where I think not only is it not illegal to drink or be a hooker but I think it may be mandatory.
bgjflyer 